I may have said too much last night.

But it's what I felt in my head and my heart.

He's amazing. Simply amazing. Even my friends think so. One of them tells me she can only dream of being so fortunate to meet someone like him. He's on my mind, morning and night and I have to make a concious effort not to think about him...not that thinking about him is bad. He brings a smile to my face, he's the most wonderful person that I've met in such a long time.

Otherwise it's cleaning day! Wheeeee! Yippee! Woooo! Yeah!!! (yes. that's right. I'm procrastinating.)

It feels kind of strange that my little brother is getting married.

Luckily, I'm going to have a pretty cool sister-in-law.

Friday, Pat (Petra) came back to the US for a visit, but my brother had his National Guard duty this weekend so the rest of my family got to spend time with her...and I had plenty of opportunities to go shopping! (and now I really need to weed through my wardrobe because I have way too many clothes now!) She's so much fun to hang around with, so I'm really happy to be gaining not only a sister-in-law, but a friend is well. (okay! that sounds really Hallmark and I don't mean it to sound that way! I didn't steal that off of a plaque...I swear!!!) Sunday night my mother's friend, Kathy hosted an engagment party for them which was smashing. Bryan also had the honour (?) of meeting my family which I hope didn't scar him too much. Things got a little rowdy after a couple drinks and we were trying to get them to dance together...it never happened, but we tried. (you see, my mother likes to try to scare Pat about ficticious American traditions, like having to dance on the table on your birthday and having to do an engagment dance in the centre of a circle at one's engagment party.)

Today was a regular Monday. Went to work...went out with mom to do girly things, like having my nails done. I feel so funny having them done because...well...it's not very me. I think my mother would have prefered if I had my nails painted some garish shade of pink. Anyway. Upon leaving the nail salon (wow. it really pains me to say that!) I was accosted by some blokes who were trying to sell me hot speakers. It was totally sketchy! There was a guy in a van yelling at me to come over. I'm slightly naive so I went to check it out and he was giving me some story about how he had these speakers and he had to get rid of them and if I wanted a new set. Once again. It was SKETCHY! Wow. Wilton's really gone downhill these days.

It's laundry day. I've put it off for two weeks now and I've run out of clothes.

The prayer for a Parking Space

Oh, divine and merciful God,
History is without equal for how much I will adore
You, when You give me today, a place to park.
For You are the provider.
And You are the source.
From You all good is delivered.
Within You all is found.
In Your care will I find respite. With Your
guidance, will I find peace.
To stop, to rest, to idle, to park.
These are Yours to give me. This is what I ask.
Amen.

Chuck Palahniuk, you are a god among men.

i'm feeling a little silly right now.

Like, REALLY silly.

Like calling him up and telling him how I really feel, at least right now and how I never like saying goodnight to him that I could stay by his side forever and maybe he wouldn't believe me, and maybe it wouldn't sound right as a transmission over a cell phone...maybe it wouldn't look right as words on a screen and I'm not about to say them to his face because I'm not going to get ahead of myself because I'm so afraid. So afraid of screwing everything up...

So the snow falls...or is it sleet? It's been changing every hour. Why, in a state like Connecicut, a state where snow is prevelant in the winter months, does everyone stay indoors when it does actually snow? It's a ghost town out there. No one on the streets. No one in the shops. No one but me, skidding around the sidewalks in slush lined tech-pants posing as a 12 year old, a uber-mature 12 year old because i'm not yet ready to face much more. I don't want to be a mommy, I don't want to feel responsible over anyone. No one except myself. I can't take care of everyone. I've come to that discovery. I miss my roomate, my OTHER roomate. The one I never mention, the one that's never around. The one I see more OUTSIDE of this apartment. I ran into him at the Press office today...not our place, but elsewhere. I really miss having Josh around. He may be the perfect roomate for all the wrong reasons, like he's never around, but we get along. Maybe we get along because we never see one another, but I miss him.

It's too bad that he's moving out.

Except....when he moves I have my own room which will be ace.

It's official. I'm full time at La Patisserie des Anglaises.

Ace!

So I'm here listening to Tenacious D (live at Large Pub '99 Hari Krishna) in a half-awake state struggling for things to say, but I can never come up with things in this un-awake sort of state.

Can I call a do-over?

You don't think I can see you.

I see you. You're watching me. You come by. You see what I'm doing.

I'm watching you.

You think you're slick. I know you do. You have the answers to everything, you really think you do. You think you know me. You think you know what I need. You think you know what I want. You sneak in the shadows. You won't come out into the light. I can see you. Do you think I can't? Do you think I won't notice? You're there alright.

You don't think I can see you.

I see you. You're watching me.

I'm watching you.

all's right in the world.

aside from having to wake up for work...all is right in the world.

I could have spent all last night curled up in the front seat of his car with him. It's too bad I sort of volunteered to work today...I have no idea when I'm getting out. I'm avoiding 103 like the plague...I don't really want to have to fac ethe music here so I might just head up to Danbury right after work. I don't know. I'm still waking up, thoughts are disjointed, I'm still thinking of him...

time to make the lattes.....

I really haven't slept so well in such a long time.

I had a day off yesterday...and I KNEW I couldn't stay around Ridgefield...especially 103 so I had to get away. (I woudl have gone to Toronto, but that would be a little too far for a day trip. Sorry Ross!) So I packed my messenger bag will all the necessary equipment, phone...book...notebook...point'n'shoot...and headed off to New York. The local train station only has a few trains going in and out and I don't know where any of the New York stations are so I left outta South Norwalk. Bought my morning cup from a chap with a Cockney accent and planted myself. I had missed the train I was aiming for my minutes. It passed as I was walking from the parking garage. I was writing, minding my own business when a gentleman sat in my row of benches and we talked a bit until the train came which we both hopped on. Of course this wasn't the train I wanted as it only went to Stamford...so I was stuck in Stamford, CT for a little bit until I was pointed to another train. This train shuttled me to New Cannan. I contemplated spending the day in New Cannan, but transferring back all the trains just to get to my car seemed like a big waste. That, and I had my round trip ticket to NYC in my pocket.

It wasn't like I had a game plan. I really just wandered around aimlessly and watched. I didn't think, I just went. I forgot about the job I'm not as fond of and how I'm going to escape it. I forgot about the awkward sort of situation between Brian and I. I forgot about bills. I forgot about real life. I forgot where I was going. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

Then I looked at my watch...it was nearly five. I wanted to meet up with Bryan back in CT that evening, so I started travelling back uptown. I scuttled down one subway hold, but the Metrocard machine wasn't working, I think I was on 22, and had to get back to 42. I resigned myself to having to walk the entire way and perhaps missing Bryan that night...I kept my eyes peeling for a subway hole...and I finally found one! One with a token window and all! I passed my money under the little ditch in the counter and indicated with my finger, "one token". I could hear the subway approaching. I token was passed. The subway had screeched to a halt. It felt like the man behind the window was getting my change in slow motion. I grabbed my change, jammed it in my pocket, ran through the turnstile. The doors were closing...I pushed myself through the doors, only jamming my leg into the doors yelping in a high pitched tone.

So I made it back to CT, with just a scratch.

I have a feeling today won't be so adventurous.

You ever need to just escape?

Even your home isn't a safe comfortable domain?

What is safe?

Did both jobs today...the first one was fun as usual. Talked about poisson d'Avil and what we'll do for that holiday. The second one...well, I assumed I'd be doing a cruise through...talk to the new chef in the cafe, make sure all was well and cruise out. I was feeling pretty good. I could then maybe cruise to NY for the afternoon. Of course, I shouldn't expect such a happy ending. I ended up doing dishes all day, the sinks were backing up...I have dishpan hands! The sinks reeked, and now there are plumbers downstairs fixing something and even here on the fourth floor I can distictly smell it.

So here I am...trying to relax and just can't. Not with this smell. Not with...

I'm waiting.

Waiting for the laundry...I hate doing laundry. I hate lugging it around. I hate once I've realized that I could have done it for free after everything came out of the wash. So right now I'm looking around my room to see if I forgot anything so I can reap the rewards of free laundry in exchange for cooking dinner for my friend. He called me this morning, just as I awoke. I saw his name on the caller ID. What could Brendan possibly want at nine in the morning? Apparently there's some sale on limes in Bethel and he needed to know how I made lime-ade. (eight ounces of water to two tablespoons of sugar and two tablespoons of freshly squeezed lime juice.)

I want to re-do the site soon. Some slight changes...I don't know. I haven't done anything on it lately, there's still stuff for the last re-vamp that still needs some good ol' fashioned lovin'. Hey! Maybe next week I'll have a day off? Maybe? I hope so, because a friend of mine will be home on spring break.

Must shower! Ack!

even though by definition tonight was a bust...I wouldn't have had it any other way.

but I'm tired and I have to go to bed.

I feel so secure in his arms.

I am no better than a giddy fiftteen year old.

Things are going well. I hate my job. Spring fever's setting in early with me. I'm getting restless staying inside. (hence I've been online less.) I've already scoured the downstairs (which you wouldn't know unless I said something.) and cooked for my roomates (in typical Apartment Six den-mother style)

I really had something intelligent to say, but I can keep up with the incoming messages.

I'm not a social creature.

I've had a social weekend.

Friday night I went to the Wilton Today photography opening at Wilton Library. It featured photgraphy by Alex von Kleydorff, Scott Mullin, and Bryan Haeffele. (who's fantastic!) It was a good time, ran into Ben and Heather there as well. Heather's surprise party was the night before and Bryan had intived me to join, but I had declined at the eleventh hour because I felt that it might be awkward being there with Heather. It didn't help that Brian was kinda moping about it. I ended up going to Luc's with Brian that night...but anyway, back to Friday. It was a lot of fun. We all went to Bully's after the opening. Bully's isn't my favourite place, but I was really just going with the flow.

Ahhh...there's really a lot to sya about everything too. And I'm not going to go on and on like a seventh grader in heat about it either. I'll just say it was a good time and I hope we do something again soon.

That and I heard a rumour about a curling club starting in Wilton soon. That would kick so much ice. Hahaha. What a terrible pun that was! But that will be fun if that ever starts. I've been kind of interested of curling from a friend of mine. I like to try new things.

Everyday is an adventure.