I've had just about the past week off.

The shop's closed for renovations, and we were supposed to be opened up again yesterday, but the construction wasn't completed yet. I could deal with the four days that I had off initially. The first two I spent touring the western side of Connecticut with a quick sojourn into New York to go to Rosemary's Texas Taco in Patterson. (I don't know what it is...the tortillas they use, the spice...I find the bean burritos esepecially yummy!) (as I crave them again now.) Went to a couple parks in Connecitcut, Mt. Tom in Washington and Black Rock in Thomaston. The next day I spent hanging around Yale and managing to get myself locked in a serene dormitory courtyard. Wedensday, Brian and I headed into the city to see the AIGA's design competition. Both of us dressed smartly for a lovely May afternoon were met with typical March rains. Fortunatly for both of us we had foul weather gear. (and the day before I had picked up a Helly Hansen raincoat for a steal...good thing!) We both ran through the city in bright yellow jackets and khaki shorts, messenger bags slung over our shoulders dashing through the rain and people and traffic. It was a fun day off for both of us.

Thursday I headed back to work for a closer shop to my domicile. It was a nice slow pace, and everyone I worked with was a joy to be with. (even the customers were nicer!) Besides that, I had inhaled a burrito from Burritoville...so that makes any rainy day better.

Yesterday I headed back to my shop, only to find that the construction wasn't quite completed and we wouldn't be open until at least 10 a.m. on Monday morning. Brian stopped by at the shop on his lunch break and we ate an entire box of Krispy Kremes between us (blueberry filled!) and he got me a cup of coffee from a competitor.

So now I have another two days off and I blew through all of my money expecting to be working this weekend. (Therefore not needing spending cash.) Not to mention, it's cloudy so my motivational level is nil. Usually, even when I was bored I could head down to the shop to read and hang out (and steal coffee.) but now we're closed. Ahhh...this just bites. Need to exert some energy or else I'll go mad by the time Brian comes home from work.

I'm been having a rollercoaster past few days.

That Army phone call did me in. Lots of questions to myself, like why am I still on their lists? Why are they doing this to me? Why is my unit so incompetent? But of course, the flood of really bad memories bringing me down and putting my inconsistent title to good use. Brian has been as patient as possible.

So a couple days ago on the 14th, we went on a re-con road trip for road trips to come. We were aiming for the highest point in Rhode Island, but Brian missed the little sign that proclaimed this point as we cruised route 6/66. But we went to this little 16' x 16' resturant in Middletown, CT called Gigi's and I got these crazy king-hell messy french fries. We went through Brooklyn (CT), I aquired some energy drinks for a new project that I want to work on. Had a Wal-Mart adventure. Wow! We were so out of place! Ended up having fish and chips at Georges of Galilee in Narragansett RI. They were really good too. We then walked around the ultra-quiet streets that will be ultra-busy in a few months as vacation season comes about. It was a good time through and through.

Went on a mini-road trip today.

Gassed up the car...full tank. Cleaned and vaccuumed the car, including the shattered glass from my trip in November to Newport RI. Got a stack of CDs, some pocket change and hit the road. Where? No where in particular. Lots of thoughts, lots of time to think between stops. Thought of an online comic. Thought about how things between B and I weren't really that bad at all, just we weren't made for each other.

Looking at the scenery made me think about that, and our dinner together last night. It's been a while since I hung out with B. I think the immenent move has loosened him up a bit. He was getting pacey, wondering where to get take-away...until he decided he needed gyros. I asked him to pick up a salad for me when he invited me along. It's been a long time since the two of us hung out. We picked up our take-away bounty and went home to watch the remastered Vampire Hunter D. It was like old times, but not...those times when we were just friends.

So I had a good day until I got mail from the US Army requiring me to update my information for them. Getting mail from them brings back such bad memories, but I opened it up and called them to inquire why they kept sending mail since I was honourably discharged from the military in 99. It looks like I'm on the mailing list until 2003. Good news is they most likey won't need to deploy me. The bad news: I could still be called into duty.

I'm now just waiting for Brian to come home so we can get another pair of these pajama pants because I've found out that they're damn comfortable...and have taken over his pair.

We got the place.

After a little (undue) waiting, I got a phone call last night from Brian who had just heard from Josh that he had heard that the place is ours. I couldn't be happier. When we got home, B was asleep, but woke up to our noise so I was able to tell him our good news. It was one of the most liberating experiences that I had ever had. After three years I will be free, and I will be my own person.

With that said, I will shower, put on some fresh clothes, and figure out what to do with the rest of my afternoon.

I received an e-mail this evening.

I have to apologize for the entry down below. I was accused (more or less) of not knowing how it felt to be depressed. I know plenty well what it's like, I just don't usually write so much when I'm depressed. Nor talk. Nor anything. I usually lie here, on the floor,a nd stare up at these horrible posters on the ceiling. My living situation is depressing, things from my past are depressing. I have many times not only contemplated suicide, but attempted the act. I've run the gamut of methods: knives, razors, strangluation, alcohol poisoning...I've thought there wasn't another option, that it would be easier to just end my life.

However. IF I had done that, I wouldn't be where I am today. Things will look up eventually, but it doesn't happen out of nowhere. YOU have to make it happen, and it doesn't have to be instantly. Gradual. Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day and other such cliches. I pretty much worked everything out my working on art projects, reading, taking long hikes, and writing...lots of writing. These all still help when I'm having a really crummy day.

Killing or harming anything is bad. Birthday parties = good. Killing = bad.

In other such news...I bought a couple new books tonight...I've been on a voracious reading streak. I'm really getting antsy about the apartment that we looked at...I just want an answer to get out of here...so I can stop staring at the ugly posters on the ceiling.

It's snowing, and I think there's some rumour that Connecticut is having a snow day.

What do I care? It's my day off anyway.

So I sojourned out for a bit, all bundled up for a coffee and New York Times that I have yet to read today. Something about another school shooting. I don't mean to sound old, but what's wrong with kids these days. Why, back in my day, if someone was miserable they killed themselves and didn't take down everyone around them. Suicide! It's easy! It's fun! It doesn't destroy the lives of those around you and their families. Sure, it directly affects your own family and friends, and if you don't have friends perhaps your invisable friend...or online friends...or the poster of the bikini girl that you like to talk to. Okay. I'm not advocating suicide either, but sometimes you feel like there's no other way out. Before you think it's a good idea though, write a list of 20 good reasons why you should...and if it's only because your life sucks, chew on this: your life sucks only because you made it suck. What you do and how you carry yourself directly affects how others perceive you. Remember that when you feel like taking out a good number of your lesser-liked classmates. They hate you, they know you hate them...no need to show it, you'll ruin that adolecent hallmark moment.

Wow. That came out of nowhere.

Things are starting to look up.

Brian, Josh, and I went to look at what could possibly be our new home. I'm very excited about this. (as we all are.) We'll find out tomorrow what our future holds (or doesn't hold.) so I'm a little nervous as my credit isn't the most stellar.

After looking at the potential new apartment, Brian and I went up to Milford Photo and Milford Camera to get some photo paper, and drove around a bit of Connecticut. I was exausted. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, perhaps only three hours and awoke at 0430 to get to work. I had consumed various caffined bevereages, including, but not limited to two cups of coffee, a couple iced teas, two quad tall cappuccinos, and a Mountain Dew. By mid-afternoon I was a little queasy trying to eat a turkey burger to balance the caffeine to non-food ratio. It made our little photography based trip a little more interesting as I was giddy and delirious most of the time.

I couldn't fall asleep very well last night. I was all wound up from looking at our possible new digs. Ideas ran through my mind a mile a minute, lying next to Brian in the pitch black, spounting ideas, dreams, hopes, and how well everything has been going. And as sappy as it may sound, how fortunate I am to have surrounded myself with very interesting and for lack of better words, wonderfully nice people...just good people with good ideas and good intentions, good hearts, good vibes. I am no longer alone. I have a small circle of fantastic people to share my life with, and for that, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Let's not ruin this Hallmark moment.