BLAH

blah blah blah

That's how I feel. I don't want to go outside because I know now I'll only have an hour outside before I'm dragged back in to go to work. Thinking about work makes my back hurt instantly. I can't sleep well. I sleep. I have horribly stressful dreams and wake up, not refreshed, but with a pounding headache. The type with a steady beat. Throbbing.

I can't wait for tomorrow. I don't ahve to go to work. I have some errands to do...but really, all I have to do is get my stuff washed for another race. I'm excited and nervous about another race. I wonder who I'll get paired up with. I have a feeling I'm going to lose again.

Yeah yeah. That's right. Second place is the first loser.

I'm feeling left out.

I think I left myself out, but I just feel like the odd (wo)man out.

That sort of happens when you live with two other people. Two get along or do something and the other one is left out...or goes to find something else to do. And you know, god forbid I actually want to spend any time with him. I know he's putting a portfolio together, but I don't feel included. I feel like I'm in the same position that I was in before. I do the laundry, I bring in some food, I help with the bills...and then otherwise I'm just whiney.

The 30 year old plan isn't looking so bad anymore.

A few years ago I thought it was really funny to write while drunk.

A couple years after that I thought it was even funnier to draw while drunk.

Right now, I just don't get it.

So I went out to Bully's tonight with some friends. Lovely Sarah. Jared's back from Austrailia. Josh joined us. Lovely. We extended the invite to Brian who declined. Bars apparently aren't his thing. They aren't really mine either.

I came home feeling ill. Not so much from drinking too much because I know my limits. (I'm a super cheap date.) I think it was the combination of Guiness, nachos, spicy chiken wings, and Reese's peanut butter cups. Yup. I think that's what did me in.

I wanted to talk to Brian. Just talk. You know, yap yap yap. This is what transpired. Yeah, ran into Ali there. Hey, what did you do tonight? You know, just talk. He was intense, writing a letter to his father. I realized in a slight moment of clarity that I stunk like a bar. Like Guiness that ran down my leg and cigarette smoke. I knew neither one of us would (or could) sleep with a stink bomb like myself.

So I showered and the thought about writing while drunk came to me. I remember being in WestConn and writing e-mails while drunk just to read them later, mistakes and all. I thought that was really funny. The sad thing was, I was usually clear enough to realize my mistakes as I pounded away but I would leave them just to prove my own stupidity.

And that's all it was. Stupidity.

In the shower I also had a point to this, but it's escaped my mind. The house smells like Fabreeze (or whatever that stuff is) and I overheard a possible jaunt over to Amoco. It's my favorite place at this hour.

Over and out.

I raced last night.




This was my first race. I've only had the bike since the 7th, but i was really eager to race. I just wanted to jump in there. Wow. I must have looked like a jack-ass, but I'm still kinda pumped the day after.

This was my first time on the gate. I fell the first few times on the gate at practice. I was really nervous because I was with all these people who have been racing for years. People made fun of me so I had to work really hard not to listen to them. Brian was on the side of the track trying to take pics and that made me really worried about how well (or not well) I was doing.

At registration they weren't going to class me as a rookie because I was a girl and I would end up being put in with guys. I also missed the moto postings, so once I decided it was time to check them it was when the motos were lining up and I found out I was the first! I had to run back down to my car and get my bike and gear. The other girl i was racing was waiting up at the gate with me. I apologized for flaking on her and went to put my bike on the gate and my front wheel fell off! This was the first time that anything had happened to my bike yet. People were teasing me...I felt like I was eight years old. I waved my wheel to catch Brian's eye to get him up to the gate to help out.

My first moto sucked. I got off to a really rough start...and it showed (and I felt it) on the track.

Carley Young was who I was up against...she's been racing for 11 years. I couldn't have been racing against a nicer person. She gave me tips after all my motos. My second wasn't as bad, and by my thrird I gained some confidence and pedaled right after the gate and pushed myself some. (I doubt the crowd could notice but I could.) Carley fell, and I slowed up to see if she was okay. I probally should have plowed past her and not have lost speed, but I thought it was the right thing to do. Maybe next time I should remember that I'm in a race. She caught up to me and pushed me on the track. It was great! I got a little squirrely in the end, but I had a good time and a guaranteed second place.

That's me above with my second place trophy for 17+ Supergirls.

It's off to work.

I can't wait for next week.

It's a crap-tastic day out.
I don't have drive to do much.

My hands smell like bleach. It's one of those type of days where you just stay inside and clean stuff. It looks like rain so I'm not going out. I was at the track yesterday. I didn't fall! I'm getting a little more confident on the track...I was thinking of racing tomorrow. I'm really eager to get out there and do it, but I really don't think I'm ready yet. I get nervous riding near people, although it was a real kick passing someone...except there's no real reward passing out a ten year old.

I think the best part is actually getting outside. For summers upon summers I always said I'd get out more. I'd get out for a couple of days and kayak around on the sound, get a little sun on my shoulders and that was it. I'm actually cultivating a natural tan. (except my sock tan!)

Catwoman is on WXCI...it makes me want to flee the house.

I got it.

It's a chrome S & M dirtbike. It's beautiful.

I have a tough time not getting discouraged. Of course I'm not going to be perfect at first. Watching a Props video...it looks so easy. Then I get on the bike...and it's not as easy. Lots of practice.

Maybe I'll be racing by the end of the summer.

You know that feeling?
The feeling of being in love?

You can't get enough. You see everything with rose coloured glasses. Nothing could ever go wrong. You know in your heart this is forever.

I just picked up a copy of Kia Asamiya's Nadesico. Did nothing for me. I felt out of touch, like we were no longer seeing eye to eye. I saw the ad for The Slayers videos. All the covers looked contrived, like every other cover. Then it hit me. Maybe I've fallen out of love.

I've diminished my anime collection. I no longer frequent the sites I used to. I dropped my silly anime psudeomyn. Last time I cosplayed I felt silly. (I still loved all the photography!) I'm not counting the anime cons that I'll hit throughout the year. I no longer am interested in fan-dumb. I wonder why those who are so opposed to fan-dumb still attend conventions.

Of course I have a crush.

I think of it often. I can't wait until it's in my arms, my hands all over it. Sitting on his lap. Speed. Exhilaration.

Love can't last forever, can it?